25 Miles To Go or 10 To Loughborough

Been a different kind of week, mixed feelings for me dealing with lots of messages regarding Viv's passing letting people know details of her funeral. With these times it's made things harder for Rachel Viv's daughter to pick and choose who can go and who're restricted by circumstances are not able because shielding, what ever this has been a challenging time.

  

Then there's the slowly moving on, which inevitably does happen and feelings of loss grief and realisation that I wont see my friend again, not sure that's sunk in yet but it will.

Iv'e had a few days where the distraction of friends visiting as my own lockdown came to an end, Claire came to stay with me for a few days which was a welcome and utterly needed the company. 

A few planned things like a meal around Steve's in the evening which was nice and to sit in the garden for a few drinks before we ate, was nice as the sun was still out and just being able to sit chat and enjoy the evening sun.

The next day a walk was planned Claire Steve and myself, started out on our not so planned route but started and it evolved, we walked through Hathern along to Zouch then through to Normanton on Soar, where we had the first pit stop at the Plough, glad we could sit and have a nice cool drink and a bowl of chips, pit stops have been the thing that has been missing in earlier lock down walks so this was so nice.

The pub's at the side of the river soar and again was not overly sunny but warm and pleasant. a few paddle boarders paddled by, something I would love to do but not sure if the balance now would be good enough to do it. The chips they were good though  and a nice accompaniment with our drinks.

We stayed and chatted for about an hour and then set off on our walk again, unfortunately if we had doubled back we could have crossed over to the other side of the river and walked back to Loughborough by the river, alas we took the high road back.

It was quite warm and the country lanes were on a steady incline very winding, I have gone along these route hundreds of times and it never seemed that long but when you are in a car everything seems quicker, well another pit stop or pee stop was needed, Claire and I into a field, Steve dipping in the bushes, you men our so lucky in this department.

Well onwards we go the sun dotting out in between the clouds getting warmer, but a nice breeze helping to make a long walk pleasant. We walked on towards Stanford pretty little village where again it has grown from a few farms and cottages, to now a well sort after place to live with farms converting to renovating projects for living, and their land being sold off for building plots.

Not against this progress but it does drive the villages being less for locals, and locals being priced out of the property market to the more well off able to move in and prices hike up. Shame but it happens all over the country.

Well now loughborough was insight, and the Brush works were visible, many years this firm was a big employer for people in loughborough. People also moved and located to the area to work at the Brush, like Steve he came from a little village of North Alerton, which  he constantly reminds us when cock ups happen, which my late husband always joked about, he too was an outsider coming and travelling to work at the Brush from Nottingham, that's where I first met them over 45 years ago.

The Brush was a town within a town, with its own bank, medical centre, large restaurant which in them days was fondly called the canteen. 5.000 people clocked in I remember even now my clocking in number was 5024. I worked there till I left to have my first child Rebekah, in those days a woman didn't have the same rights as now, there was no reduction in working days or hours, it was full time or no returning to your place of work, and no maternity leave, how things change.  

So again pointing out the buildings to Claire where we all worked, the converted car park where its spaces were a bone of contention on who got them, think the stories that back handers were involved. now all built on sad to see such a once large industrial place that people had some one in their family who worked there no longer there only remnants of the past, and other units there now.

Well another pit stop on the horizon after leaving the old Brush behind, we now descend onto another pub beside water, the Boat Inn, maybe among of one of the last old pubs left in the town. We sat had a few more glasses of what ever and stayed there for another hour.

 

Onwards and upwards now homeward bound, think we were all getting hungry now so I was glad I had knocked up a chicken dinner with all sorts in not sure, mashed potato to accompany in the morning because after our walk would not have fancied preparing a meal, GOOD THINKING YVONNE or planning.

Our walk now was over all 16k of it as Steve and Claire had their steps recorders on, not quite really bothered about recording what I do cus don't want more guilt heaving on myself for lack of doing exercise, but I know I should do more Steve and Claire do an awful lot but, kinda skips round my thoughts or inclination, shouldn't moan then about how I look or why I don't fit into size 10, all my own fault.......you do kinda feel a bit of a frump though and out of place with fitter folk, 

Well after a quick freshen up more eating and drinking and the evening was quite enjoyable, it was nice having company, Steve is always remarking to folk how I hate being on my own, well all I can say in my defence, is you like your hobby of exercise, I like my hobby of people and I know which I prefer again hands down my MINGLING HOBBY...LOL

Friday and Claire left a little sad cus it was nice having someone to get up to get breakfast for, and say goodnight to last thing. She always sleeps well and eats well when here so I must be an ok hostess, she will be off to Croatia at the weekend so good holibobs to you Claire enjoy.

Later Friday Phil arrived at Steve's he hasn't been over even though he relocated not far from here to Melton, he has been shielding his mum. We went to yet another pub the local where we sat outside till later as it chilled down, a few of the crowd were there and later was invited to Jo and Cols anniversary at their place. By the end of the night I was regretting not eating food before going out out...not popping out, I was bloody Hank Marvin STARVING. so just a bag of crisps for super but couldn't sleep so got out of bed, and didn't return to have a kip till 6am, 

The weather is a bit of a mixed bag warm sunny raining wind ,sun again and repeat repeat you know how it goes. Just going to chill I think now, covered Mels wheel chair which I had fetched from Viv's, and managed to cover it before the rain, but damm missed the garden cushions, oh well they will dry at some point. I miss sitting in my lovely garden it just isn't the same on your own, it seems such a shame the lovely blooms and colours are not enjoyed by far more people. This virus has something to answer for, my lovely garden not having the lovely glances and being boastful my bloody handy work and hard work not enjoyed by others, oh maybe next year although that's not promised.

Well once again will give you the tour of my labour of lockdown garden, please enjoy, safe distance controls at all times its free enjoy. 

 

Planes and Boats and Trains will take me away....Away

Yes lets hope all three transport me again where I can recharge, re-figure, and re-invent another chapter of life's meandering. When I started this blogging through persuasion from friend Claire and Steve, never thought it would bring me a sense or state  of cathartic wellbeing but it has, so thank you friends for giving me a push.

I went on Friday to a place I have never been, my friend Ellen whom although we have know one another for maybe 25 years, only actually met about 4 years ago. We had spoken on the telephone for years through our places of work, mine at Woodhouse Day hospital, her for our team Secretary.

Ellen has a very distinctive accent, a beautiful Irish lilt, and sheer chance we were within feet of one another eyeing up our teams new premises, be it I had worked there for 20 odd years. I heard this voice and knew this was Ellen whom I had conversed with over the years.....Instant friendship evolved from that day. 

Back to my Friday outing, she rang and said girl get your walking shoes on, I am taking a day off work and getting you out, at first felt a bit nervous, not sure why ?

 Was it my Cov19 isolation that had ended 4 days previous, but still had not ventured out, or was it like a betrayal to Viv that I was going out and she never was again, I really don't know.

But I was so glad I went, Ellen took me to a beautiful Memorial site in Sherwood, it was spectacular the views and tranquility of this place blew me away. Its rolling fields overlooking Nottingham, the peace and the space was just what I needed.

We then proceeded to Cromford Mills in Derbyshire near Matlock, well known Matlock for Bikers so if you know any Bikers bank holidays is where they all descend there in their hundreds.

Cromford has very old links to the quarries and mills, so we then walked nearly 20,000 steps along the beautiful canal that connected to the mills that were waterfall powered, and the train tracks. Both run side by side which made it so interesting, to stop off at old waterside and railway side buildings which had been restored into little cafe's.

We walked talked and walked and talked more, and as we walked again the tranquility just melted my pain of Viv. We talked about her me telling Ellen about little stories and she listening, and it was so what I needed to help me come to terms with all this sadness inside of me. 

We even managed to dig up some gorgeous flowers that grow wild, not sure what they are Ellen knew as they grow all over Donegal, I told Ellen about how I had coerced Steve on our walks to try and pinch me some water Iris's, I know he was mortified but bless he tried but the ground was to hard, even though I had put my trow in my back pack just in case we went that way.......Just in case I knew which way I would be heading. LAUGH


Well we managed to get some roots and put them in my pack so as soon as we got back I have put the roots in jugs of water hoping they will sprout,,,,,,,Viv you would know what to do she is the green finger goddess.

Well we walked and treated our selves to a lovely scone big as a football, crisps and tea, then on our way back at another pit stop there was Chocolate Magnums my very favourite....Pudding on a stick yum yum.

It was the perfect day sunny and a smiley day the first in such a long time and will treasure the kindness of a friend stepping in when needing to move to my next stage of grief or acceptance but in a nice way, THANKYOU ELLEN.

Not sure what today brings I know its dinner at Steves tonight that's good, I did have a delivery from Tesco's last night at 8.30, I had got a slot 2 week ago because wasn't sure if I would become poorly with the virus, also my friend from Turkey was coming, alas though she has delayed her trip nearer the end of the year.

Anyway nice girl delivered my purchases and was very pleasant, try to scam the crates they were in but didn't manage it. Steve was impressed cus he said he had never done it , I hadn't so not a virgin in that department now.

Sylvia visited today, she has been helping her brother move near here from up North, so I have sorted curtains and cushions  out of my stash of them in my shed. Do have a fetish about cushions and curtains, so Sylv knew I could come up with some, his curtains that he had bought were not the right size but think he will be ok now.

Told Sylvia to make sure he comes out on our little soiree on Fridays that may help him to settle in if nothing else. May drop him a little card welcoming him back to Loughborough, as he moved up North after selling up and buying a pub, but his partner died last year so they had no children, hence the move back to Loughborough, to be nearer his family and children from a previous marriage.

Looking forward to Claire coming for company that has been lacking of late. The two weeks of not going out and in complete isolation apart from two short drop off with food was managed quite well and has surprised I think my friends especially with dealing with Viv's death and grief.

 I think they were all worried about me, and with my daughter visiting and staying they all must have been worried to see how I would cope, as I have always preached, share Joy, happiness, sadness,  and fears, as this people does help, and to be able to have a shoulder to lean on can be the best, as I hope in all my heart I have been there to all my family and friends.

I have just sat outside eating my lunch dish of chopped strawberries, melon, prunes and yoghurt, two salted rice cakes with cheese spread and a cuppa. Well as I sat there a butterfly just hovered and settled near and just kept fluttering her wings, Rachel also the other day had her butterfly visit. Well our Viv loved butterflies, she had them all over the house and hearts.
            

  WELL HELLO VIV YOU COME TO CHECK UP ON ME       MY SWEETHEART... I'M DOING OK YOU BUGGER
    FLUTTER ALL YOU LIKE AND DANCE AROUND ME                                             FOREVER

This blog is a Tale of two cities or Let the sun shine in

Let the sun shine in was a song from the musical Hair back in the late sixties. I was reminded of these songs from way back when watching American Women on Iplayer.
Yes I want Aquarius to wash over me again and let the sun shine in, please oh so very much please.

Those days of rebellion of freedom of choice for women was a revelation, the Contraceptive pill, the Mini skirt oh so glad I was in the thick of it.

The stage show also was a revelation for theatre goers, and to be present at the earlier performances in the good old Shaftesbury Theatre in London was mind blowing, now a days it would be tame.

The show was filled with iconic music and songs, Paul Nicholas was the lead and adorable, I remember me and my friends Maz Sue and not sure who the others were now, we were ecstatic getting the very first tickets.

We trundled down to London did the usual tour which we always did, then the performance began, we were not disappointed that September in 1968.

As the show was closing all the cast came on stage in different stages of nudity, and all of a sudden they invited the audience that wanted to join the cast on stage........ Well we were up there like a rat up a drain pipe.

 Oh yes we were there standing in all our glory, rebels and loving the freedom that this was it, dancing to let the sun shine in, Aquarius, and Nina I got life, yes we had, we had arrived and  were the new generation prepared to risk and tackle anything. I would not have missed or traded those times for anything, no offence but the times and places now are pale compared to then.

And now all that seems important to remember sitting here thinking on my own, of how glad I did the things that were beckoning and now have those memories.

There were lots of crazy stuff that happened and still like to think I still can be quick off the mark to embark on adventures if offered, and never want to be a person who thinks first and ruminates wondering or wheying up the pro's and cons. If I had been like that I would not have these wonderful memories to look back on, I would be sitting thinking, oh why didn't I just do this or that. 

I have spoke to Viv today, she is no worse and holding her own, Sherpa Tenzing certainly has been holding tightly onto her.
I woke this morning feeling a little unwell, and my anxiety levels did rise a bit with this positive testing of Cov19, thinking oh not a Boris u Turn from we're fine and waving at number 10 to blue lighting him, but after I calmed myself down and had a bit of banter with Zulf and Heidi I calmed down, had toast and tea and felt a little better and now feeling ok apart from the breathlessness. 

Carol  my friend from work is doing a drop off , of Ginger root, bread and juice and hopefully a new thermometre. The weather is pants here, and my friend has decided to cancel trip from Turkey, so disappointed wont see her till later on in the year.

Think I am going to do a full English for tea tonight I really feel like a good old fry up. Hate eating and cooking for myself, when you enjoy cooking its a bane to whip up enthusiasm  and I am so guilty of this, if someone does a plain sandwich or something simple for you I think you enjoy it so much better, hope you all agree.

Right get a cuppa and then do some sewing, button stitching and maybe a hem to take up. Looks like I have typed a whole lot of stuff and its not there its disappeared. Oh well will do it again, nothing else to do.

People have been ringing every day, friends and people who don't really know Viv, ring in the morning and then ring back later in the day for updates. Its so nice that I pass the messages that people are always asking about Viv hope this cheers her up.

Had a nice telephone call from a friend, it was nice listening to his lockdown experiences, but again I wouldn't mind lockdown in Singapore, news had traveled far about my Cov so it was nice to know  they were worried and wanted to know all.

I had again turned to the garden to rescue me from my boredom, so pruning, and cutting the lawn at the back as the breathing was easing and my isolation should have ended but not going out out. LOL

I really am lucky I have good GPs who know I am not a panic person so when I ring they know I need assurance. 
Marie dropped off my food today, so cooked pork chops and veg must do more veg cooking , but prefer to cook for people.
I am going to make the effort.

I contacted my door man today and is going to arrange to fit my front and back doors, that have desperately needed to be done especially front doors, day light peeps through the cracks.

I am thinking of things and places that me and Viv can go and see, I want to keep her spirits high so our list will grow.
And you Know every one has to have a Thelma and Louise experiences, we are not going to have that ending but believe me folks we have had the adventures and will try my hardest to have a load more. And the best times have never included men, well sometimes. 

Was talking today about travel, to places I have not been, and the more I think about it I have to do it, as long as there is history and real stuff that I can immerse myself, its got to be a go do and do it again. Well going to think of these places Like Jordan, Mongolia, and maybe the Byzantine trail, so who knows......will see tomorrow. when slept on this. Oh Argentina and dance the Tango that is a must........Viv my dear we do love a bit of Latino dancing, she not quite mastered the Rock or Jive but there's time.
               
THIS IS WHERE THE TALE OF TWO CITIES COMES IN

              THE MORNING SKY AS SHE LEFT US 

The day I lost my beautiful friend and she lost her battle, I have not been able to write or speak her name without an over pouring of grief.

Is this now a lament of what could have been what should have been of grief, regrets and sorrow. I am not sure but if you carry on and read then you will come to your own conclusions.

Viv and I always said we would take our secrets to the grave of one another, she knew me I knew her, we knew an unspoken kind of telethapy of one another. 
               

She would ask I would tell visa versa. We were honest and trusted one another. I have maybe only 2 other people I have that trust in now, believe me it is so special and a privilege to be able  to have that in your life.

 Peeps if you do cherish it, it is so hard to find honesty, and complete trust that will not be traded or treated with triviality, as some do, you will never get it back if you betray it and you will never deserve too either. 

TEXTS MESSAGES PHONEI have spent the last day replying to messages text telephone calls, well to be honest its been more like a few months feeding back about Viv and my COV19 situ as well. It has been tough and has bought hidden grief and fears to the surface that was buried in my own life.

The 16 years of slowly becoming a carer and no longer a wife. of putting and hiding to friends a face that didn't portray sadness of my life and the hopelessness of it never ending and going on for years pretending I was coping.

Then the ending coming and feeling absolute guilt and not feeling relief just empty,  but again having hiding it because supporting Viv and getting her life back together was important, so again the mask was painted on.

Then our lives were changing and our adventures were being mapped out, alas not to be, but we bloody well gave it a go the 9 months we had before The BIG C and they don't call it that for nothing struck, then the virus, C'est La Vie as they say the rest now is history.

Well is it turning into a Lament...? I will carry on regardless.
I have some wonderful support over the last few weeks I feel blessed I really do, not sure but the people who have called have opened up with their own fears, I suppose that's what happens, fear despair pain and grief bonds even the toughest of us.

I had a very dear friend ring me who is like a big giant, but is the most softest guy I have ever known, he too has had his dark moments these past few months, but is slowly coming out of it, and feel again privileged, that he knows he can talk to me about all manner of things.

 He is the kinda guy when in trouble or things may go a little shall we say scary or confrontational, be it man or woman he is your man, feel I will be seeing quite a bit of him in the future for dinners and as we joked banter is the best remedy for any kind of situation, so looking forward to that, this afternoon he is coming and cooking me a meal so how nice is that.

My daughter Rebekah stayed with me last night which was lovely, not really seen her since mothers day, we managed to have a few laughs and chats but she is reeling from Viv's death as much as me she called her Fairy godmother, as she was very close to my Rebekah and to Nik. We holidayed together partied, spent Christmases and all special occasions together that we will all treasure now.

Hopefully I will make new memories which will bring me comfort in the future, with people new friends and places, and with old friends. Will they be the same no...but new and become precious to me. So to all who really know me I will not give the mingling up because if anything with all the messages calls and texts are true testament, that yes connections to people and acts of kindness from them will get you through the best and the worst, so if you don't mingle and mix up your friends folks you don't know what you are missing, the ring of hands that have reached and come together through jointly being in my melting pot has been immense....... 

                                         

SO GOODBYE MY FRIEND SAVE THE GOSSIP TILL I GET THERE AND LAUGH AND LOOK DOWN ON ME AND GIVE ME A SIGN WHEN YOU KNOW I NEED A BIT OF ADVICE, BUT DON'T YOU SPILL THE BEANS UP                                                  THERE